My "New Doug" Cover Letter

"JCAlan" (jcalan)
08/15/2016 at 13:52 • Filed to: None

I’m the right guy for this job. Cars have been my profession since way back in the 1900s when I used get douched with oil every day for a few bucks an hour. Now I have an office job in an automobile showroom that looks like the lobby of the Ritz Carlton, and a strong desire to tell stories about stupid stuff and make people laugh.

Here are some of my qualifications:

I’ve owned well over 50 vehicles. This includes 8 motorcycles, 2 gigantic 70s Lincolns, and an 80s Buick that I bought sight unseen for $75 from someone that forgot he owned it or where he left it.

I am currently on track to get an A in my Gothic Lit class (Junior level!). So ya, I write good bruh.

In fifth grade when I was “student of the week” 32 kids that were forced to say something nice about me each wrote that I was “funny.” I may be able to provide documentation of this if given enough time to search my mother’s attic.

I have successfully completed several Craigslist transactions without being scammed or murdered.

I once convinced Rush Limbaugh to issue an official retraction for a thing he said about a cat (true story).

I grew up a Hulkomaniac, though this love affair ended when I pieced together that the entire thing was fake. But I could go back.

I can accurately compare the value of one thing in terms of another.

I !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! in order to make it look marginally better.

I have been on that trail outside of Crystal, Colorado that was featured on Top Gear USA and that !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . I did not fall off.

Pictured: My Uncle’s Xterra doing serious trail stuff.

Here are some potential topics that I could write about:

Every year when the soy beans come off, I make a dirt track in the field behind my house and run inappropriately-equipped road vehicles on it.

Over the last 12 years, I have averaged purchasing a vehicle every 4 months. That’s a lot of material right there. Watch as I squander my retirement on rapidly depreciating assets!

I live about an hour from the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . I could go there and do stuff or whatever.

For a short time I was the unwilling proprietor of a failing automatic carwash. I have horror stories. Even collecting the money was a pain in the ass.

Follow me as I hilariously attempt to navigate rural Ohio using only the woefully inadequate public transportation system.

I have 2 boys that are approaching driving age. One will have his temps within a year. Laugh at me as they destroy my things and cost me money.

After 20 years in the car business I’ve learned one thing: You never know what is gonna come through that door!

I attend !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! that has its own race team, autocross events, and a giant dirt hill that they encourage students to climb with their bro trucks. Seriously, every drive through the campus is an article. You would not believe !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

Reasons you should hire me:

I live here:

I see things staff writers don’t. Counter to what is presented in movies, there is an entire world outside of New York City. For crying out loud I drive !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! capable of towing a small city and driving over mountains as a commuter car out here. That’s how different it is. I don’t even have a trailer, and the only thing that’s ever been in the bed is a small fuel can for the lawnmower.

I have collected 864 901 Pokemon, so clearly I have the spare time to devote to this.

My dealership experience gives me insight into areas of the auto industry that are currently unexplored on Jalopnik.

What have you got to lose? Honestly?

I know how to Jalopnik.